“To seminary, or not to seminary?” That’s the question for our newest Contributor, Katie Olmstead, as she navigates the ambiguities and nuances of that most frustrating of mysteries: the Will of God.

by Katie Olmstead

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Last February, the decision was made. Everything would change come August. I would leave my home in Phoenix for Philadelphia; continue to work for Food for the Hungry part-time remotely while going back to school. My cross-country road trip was charted, housing scouted out, mental shift made and farewell gifts purchased. I was ready for the adventure of a new city, new friends, classes, books, changing seasons, green and rain (so not the desert), wealth of history and arts to explore, another step towards my long-term dream….blah, blah, blah.

It is now October, the decision deferred for Spring maybe Fall. All my plans were unexpectedly postponed (or maybe canceled, ugh). Although convinced it was the right conclusion in light of changed circumstances, I am still filled with disappointment, anxiety and confusion; faced again with the decision of what is next. I catch myself daydreaming about avoiding it completely: driving my Rabbit, jumping on a plane or catching a train until I’ve explored every new interesting place and escaped this suffocating suburbia. Yet adventures offer no solution and I wake up to reality, decisions still far from clear.

There is so much worth pursuing wholeheartedly, choices neither right nor wrong. Yet the decision-making process still kicks my ass. I only have so much time, energy and ability – where do I direct it? I refuse to sit on the sidelines. How do I discern the passions, abilities and limitations God has sovereignly gifted? Simply: what is it I want?

I received some great advice on decision making (ala St. Augustine) boiled down to “love God and do what you want.” (obviously within what is permissible) I’m not sure which is more difficult: loving God enough to prefer Him over everything else or discerning what it is I truly want. The more I wrestle with the Lord, the more I believe in the beauty of this tension. There is no formula or “right” decision. And through the cloud of confusion, this light pierces through: “I had heard of you; but now my eyes see you” (Job 42:5).

These are the moments where my grip of control on life loosens and my stubborn heart realizes even for a moment its utter dependence on God and His faithful hold of me. It is in this unknown that He becomes more known to me; where relationship with the living God deepens. The tension is what forces me on my knees, convicts me of my lack of love and weans my heart from this vapor of a life. It is in the “working out of my salvation with fear and trembling” as “God works within me, both to will and to work, for his good pleasure” that God moves my heart from selfish ambition to “fellowship with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ” (Philippians 2:12).

John Owen wrote,

“Our communion with God lies in his giving himself to us and our giving ourselves and all that he requires to him. This communion with God flows from that union which is in Christ Jesus. This communion will be perfect and complete when we enter into the full enjoyment of Christ’s glory. Then we shall totally give ourselves up to him, resting in him as the utmost fulfillment of all our desires.” (Psalm 37:4)

Decisions still need to be made. Yet I believe the anxiety can be replaced with delighting in my God who promises to give me all the desires of my heart; the all-satisfying fullness of Himself. And there is rest in seeking to love God in even the smallest things of today, entrusting the troubles of tomorrow to prayer (Philippians 4:6-7).

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